I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
