Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
