i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
