I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I will pee on everything he values.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
