can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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