Is it because I queefed?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
