I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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