I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
