i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
