I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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