sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
