so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
