why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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