Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
