That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
