There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
