There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
