he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
