I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
