For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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