I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Mom said you looked used
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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