i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
