I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
