Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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