Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
