My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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