Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
