He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
