I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Randomize
