I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
