Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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