Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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