Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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