The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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