$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
