My sheets look like a crime scene.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Randomize
