All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
