would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize