my vag is so smooth its legendary
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
