I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
