Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
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