I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
