Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
