did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Someone shit on the floor
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
