I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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