I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
