yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
