Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
