Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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