Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
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