i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize
