I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
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