Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
