god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
My balls are so social today.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
