people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
