i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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