His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Is Oprah even human
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Randomize
