I can't breathe out the right side of my face
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
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