awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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