Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Randomize
