I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
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