at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize