PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
